The concept of a shadow wedding was introduced to me by a friend who is deeply invested in personal transformation and spirituality, but is not affiliated with the Christian church of her youth. Like many of my friends, she values the traditions of faith but finds more meaning in practices of meditation, walks in the woods, and psychological theories. I know many who turn to psychology to plumb the depths of their experiences as psychology gives access to a wide variety of traditions and cultural motifs that might illuminate an individual’s life. Shadow Weddings evolved out of this tradition of psychology and psychotherapy.

Weddings focus on a celebration of the good and the promise of the future. They are filled with light, happiness, and pledges of love. Often these are symbolized through the bride wearing a white dress, public vows of fidelity, beautiful flowers,and  friends full of good wishes. But the reality of marriage is that it is complicated. With the joy, beauty, and possibility also comes also conflict and struggle. Because we are human, relationships always contain some conflict. The shadow wedding provides a space to explore these conflicting feelings.

While this is a new practice, it is not an entirely new element to weddings. The Catholic marriage ritual includes a requirement that both couples received the sacrament of reconciliation before marriage. This requirement is rooted in the belief that the couple should approach God, and their marriage, with a pure and forgiven heart, making its intent different from shadow weddings. None the less, it does acknowledge the darkness, sin, and shadows that are part of any human relationship and marriage.

Jewish weddings are concluded with breaking a glass wrapped in cloth with the foot of (traditionally) the groom. While there are multiple possible meanings for this ritual, one significant one is to remember the sorrow of the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem. Here, the intent is more similar to the Shadow Wedding, but it is a more communal remembrance of grief versus personal recognition of the reality of sadness, grief, and darkness in the midst of hope and joy.

A shadow wedding can easily be incorporated into your marriage festivities or preparations.